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They were born and they lived then they would die...
Apr. 18th, 2007 | 10:19 pm
location: My bed
mood: 
cheerful
music: Hard to Say- The Used
Well today was bad and good news. Joey was kicked out of rehab but called me and told me he was going to try his best to rise again. I was mad at him but now I just want to help him and be his support as always. I'm glad things are clearing out for me, Joey cheered me up saying that I shouldnt worry about guys. He told me his friend Daniel liked me and all his roomates from rehab wanted my digits lol I was like awww nice to know drug attics think I'm cute yay! aha I just hope some day he can succeed. I miss him so much. Wow...idk why but Adam just came to my head, then tears want to come out. It's hard to say how much I miss him, since he's been gone my world hasn't been the same! Damn it I want to cry so bad right now...and all I want is someone to hold me as I pour out my feelings. Suddenly all my fears are coming out, it's so hard for me to deal with the unsolve issues of this...sometimes I think I'm over him and others that I'm dying without him. Adam...if only I could talk to him and tell him that since we broke up I never stoped loving him. I'm not sad or depressed at all anymore because I can deal with this and I'm strong.
P.S- I love my Peter Pan doll! He's my chulo and sleeping with him makes me dream better aha ;)
P.S- I love my Peter Pan doll! He's my chulo and sleeping with him makes me dream better aha ;)
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Neverland Adventures......
Apr. 18th, 2007 | 01:00 am
location: my room
mood: 
numb
music: Yellow by The Used
Today was a good day....woke up at 10am, Yvette picked me up and we just chilled at the plaza bonita mall where I bought my Peter Pan doll :)
Yep that was my highlight of the day, Peter Pan...if only he was real maybe he can take me away to Neverland where I'll never grow up and stay young. Where all my childhood dreams wont be broken, where love is shared between the lost boys and no one can hurt you emotiomally. It was a good day,better than last week where a phone call arrived and made me realize how much hate was inside me and that time would have to elapse in order for my rage to calm down. Anyway no phone calls today, no nothing....today was calm and I'm glad HE is not talking to me, it's the least he could do to ease my pain. After all my feelings for Joe have somehow grown aha idk how and lately I have been enjoying talking to some guy named carlos. He's cute and I have a feeling this phase wont take long.
Lately school has been bad...boring...and I worry about my best friend, she's not doing too good with the whole break up shit. I hate the way he makes her feel, I hate the way she lets him hurt her and I hate how I can't do anything about it because .....I just can't...unless murder was legal and pardoned if it was for a good cause.
tonight I sleep with Peter Pan...I sleep in Neverland and wish to wake up inside my dream.
Yep that was my highlight of the day, Peter Pan...if only he was real maybe he can take me away to Neverland where I'll never grow up and stay young. Where all my childhood dreams wont be broken, where love is shared between the lost boys and no one can hurt you emotiomally. It was a good day,better than last week where a phone call arrived and made me realize how much hate was inside me and that time would have to elapse in order for my rage to calm down. Anyway no phone calls today, no nothing....today was calm and I'm glad HE is not talking to me, it's the least he could do to ease my pain. After all my feelings for Joe have somehow grown aha idk how and lately I have been enjoying talking to some guy named carlos. He's cute and I have a feeling this phase wont take long.
Lately school has been bad...boring...and I worry about my best friend, she's not doing too good with the whole break up shit. I hate the way he makes her feel, I hate the way she lets him hurt her and I hate how I can't do anything about it because .....I just can't...unless murder was legal and pardoned if it was for a good cause.
tonight I sleep with Peter Pan...I sleep in Neverland and wish to wake up inside my dream.
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Love to Hate, Hate to Love....
Apr. 11th, 2007 | 10:05 pm
location: bed
mood: 
bitchy
music: Say this Sooner by The Almost
I HATE HIM! I'm fucken mad, I dont want to keep talking to him and I wish I could stop thinking about him! Like I said before never ever will I believe a guy again. No more lies for me and from now on it's all going down the drain my feelings for him, I'm flushing them all!@#%*&$#! It just gets to me how he acts with me and then he gets all weird. Nah not anymore.
I'll just believe I was all displaced,
this makes me act like I'll never get out alive.
Why can't people realize what they feel about each other just by touch....why cant a touch make you see my effect.
this part of the song explains what I feel...
No one will ever see things the way I do
No one will try
All my friends think that I'm gone
But I swear, I swear I'm not...
I swear I'm not
This makes me feel that I'll never be quite normal
This makes me act like I'll never get out alive
I'll get to acting, make you all believe me
I'll get to faking, show you all how to grieve
the only highlight today was my class act that gave us extra credit and my poster of the SMITHS :)
it's so hott!
I'll just believe I was all displaced,
this makes me act like I'll never get out alive.
Why can't people realize what they feel about each other just by touch....why cant a touch make you see my effect.
this part of the song explains what I feel...
No one will ever see things the way I do
No one will try
All my friends think that I'm gone
But I swear, I swear I'm not...
I swear I'm not
This makes me feel that I'll never be quite normal
This makes me act like I'll never get out alive
I'll get to acting, make you all believe me
I'll get to faking, show you all how to grieve
the only highlight today was my class act that gave us extra credit and my poster of the SMITHS :)
it's so hott!
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I'll make this way worse than you know
Apr. 10th, 2007 | 03:28 am
location: Floor
mood: angry
music: some will seek forgiveness others escape by Underoath
Saturday was sooooo fuun, for the first time I had fun with new guy friends. I drank so much that my legs felt like jello and I fell a couple of times aha but it was fun. I met one of memo's friends named Joe, I think. He caught my attention being how he was so quiet at first then he offered to take us home since Yvette couldn't drive back home. I just tought he was so sweet and idk I keep thinking about him. Maybe I'll see him again and I will have my chance.
I cant sleep today. I'm so sick of his shitty games and tricks! Thats it, i had it with him. No more being his little back up girl. I'm done waiting for him and done trying to act like nothing is wrong between us. No fuck HIM. Starting today I'm going to say yes to the first guy that asks me out. I know it's not the wisest thing but right now I need someone to be with and to make me forget about this whole dissapointment. Fuck if only HE would tell me what he feels for me then I would get over this and move on with my life. Everytime I stop talking to him it gets worse because he talks to me more and more, why does he do this to me. I'm not going through this again. I am goin to do whatever it takes to avoid him. Even if i have to tare him out of my heart.
I cant sleep today. I'm so sick of his shitty games and tricks! Thats it, i had it with him. No more being his little back up girl. I'm done waiting for him and done trying to act like nothing is wrong between us. No fuck HIM. Starting today I'm going to say yes to the first guy that asks me out. I know it's not the wisest thing but right now I need someone to be with and to make me forget about this whole dissapointment. Fuck if only HE would tell me what he feels for me then I would get over this and move on with my life. Everytime I stop talking to him it gets worse because he talks to me more and more, why does he do this to me. I'm not going through this again. I am goin to do whatever it takes to avoid him. Even if i have to tare him out of my heart.
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TAKE ME away
Apr. 4th, 2007 | 12:58 pm
location: My couch
mood: 
confused
music: Baby Acoustic by Chiodos
Peter Pan take me away from here and never let me grow up. This is what I would ask Peter Pan if he ever came to me....but he will never come. Then I woke up to the weirdest dream, it was so random and idk what this could mean. I had a dream about HIS best friend, we were like best friends in this dream and he came to my house then my dad talked shit to him and i defended him, he cried on my chest and it was very touching. Then we had a sleep over and we slept in the same bed, hugged and just fell asleep in each others arms but the weird thing was that i didnt mind and I felt like I knew him my whole life. Idk what this means but its very disturbing, I mean its not like I feel anything for him but its just disturbing the fact that he stayed over and it was so normal for me in that dream. Well im going to go shower and figure out what my dream meant then chill with Yvette, lates.
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Heartbroken
Apr. 3rd, 2007 | 11:40 pm
location: bedroom floor
mood: 
crushed
music: Right through me by Misdelphia
Yeah idk what to do or say anymore to make myself feel like everythings fine and under control......its not! and I hate when this shitty feeling is caused by a GUY. I guess this happens when you hurt people, mostly guys that I tought I liked but realized the only guy I'm interested in is @#%$&*!~+#@ and sometimes it feels like he does feel something for me but then theres days where it's like I dont even exist. Fucken shit, I hate where this is going and how my friends are never around to notice how I feel and what I'm going through! It's like, hello someone help me! No one heres me, not even HIM.
Hanging out with Chrissy and greg was fun, I missed them so much and when I'm around them nothing matters
life problems go away and it's all about laughter and jokes. I just wish everyday was like this, if Chrissy and Greg would always be around me then maybe I wouldnt feel so low all the time.
Today was my job interview and I hope somehow GOD has mercy on me and helps me get this job because seriously I need one and being home just makes me think about HIM and wait for his call that deep down I know it will never come. I wish he would just tell me once and for all what he truly feels about me so I can get on with my life and just get over HIM.
It's midnight and I'm not even sleepy at all but my eyes say another story and I know a whole sleepless night awaits me in bed. So I guess GOODNIGHT.
Hanging out with Chrissy and greg was fun, I missed them so much and when I'm around them nothing matters
life problems go away and it's all about laughter and jokes. I just wish everyday was like this, if Chrissy and Greg would always be around me then maybe I wouldnt feel so low all the time.
Today was my job interview and I hope somehow GOD has mercy on me and helps me get this job because seriously I need one and being home just makes me think about HIM and wait for his call that deep down I know it will never come. I wish he would just tell me once and for all what he truly feels about me so I can get on with my life and just get over HIM.
It's midnight and I'm not even sleepy at all but my eyes say another story and I know a whole sleepless night awaits me in bed. So I guess GOODNIGHT.
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Can you calm me like the clouds do moon?
Mar. 18th, 2007 | 11:28 pm
location: My room
mood: 
awake
music: Like Ornaments by Lower Definiton
Yep.........I am not sleepy
I'm board and idk why I have been smiling alot
aha i feel wanted and happy by everyone around me. I love how my life is turning and thank god for helping me out with my drinking problems aha if i have some anyway.
well friday was fun, instead of going to porkys we stayed in my room and drank a bottle of jack daniels
danced to vicente fernandez songs then at 2am went to IB
and played in the sand. We walked to the pier and found cute fishemen, we talked drank and smoked budd together lol. I dont think i ever had much fun :)
I love my best friend jonny he never fails me
and he always comes through to me.
Example took chrissy to see joshua just because i asked him :) thats true friendship. JEALOUS? lol
I'm board and idk why I have been smiling alot
aha i feel wanted and happy by everyone around me. I love how my life is turning and thank god for helping me out with my drinking problems aha if i have some anyway.
well friday was fun, instead of going to porkys we stayed in my room and drank a bottle of jack daniels
danced to vicente fernandez songs then at 2am went to IB
and played in the sand. We walked to the pier and found cute fishemen, we talked drank and smoked budd together lol. I dont think i ever had much fun :)
I love my best friend jonny he never fails me
and he always comes through to me.
Example took chrissy to see joshua just because i asked him :) thats true friendship. JEALOUS? lol
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Listen Up!
Mar. 15th, 2007 | 10:22 pm
location: My BED
mood: 
loved
music: The Adventure by Angels and Airwaves
Yeah today was just perfect and I had the best fuuun ever :)
I was with carlos this whole day and we talked for awhile, but what i loved was that silent moment where we were laying in the grass and he layed on my stomach so we both saw the sunset.....we didnt kiss, it's all good
we holded each others hands and smiled
aha its funny how we make fun of each other and just talk shit but we dont get mad
hopefully everything goes well and idk but i like him and maybe im ready for the next step which is ahhh a boyfriend! yeah idk :( im scared and it's been awhile. So tommarow a party is going on and I guess Michael wants us to go so we are going aha colleges is fuuun, my life does seem to be getting better and I love where its going
a new cell phone
a new love
a new life
and new friends :)
night everybody
I was with carlos this whole day and we talked for awhile, but what i loved was that silent moment where we were laying in the grass and he layed on my stomach so we both saw the sunset.....we didnt kiss, it's all good
we holded each others hands and smiled
aha its funny how we make fun of each other and just talk shit but we dont get mad
hopefully everything goes well and idk but i like him and maybe im ready for the next step which is ahhh a boyfriend! yeah idk :( im scared and it's been awhile. So tommarow a party is going on and I guess Michael wants us to go so we are going aha colleges is fuuun, my life does seem to be getting better and I love where its going
a new cell phone
a new love
a new life
and new friends :)
night everybody
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(no subject)
Mar. 13th, 2007 | 10:32 am
Its weird how complete strangers can make your day and make you smile that poeple as you why your so happy. Hmn yep idk, I cant wait to see him again, its just something I'm looking forward too. Yesterday I was talking to him and it was entertaining :)
YAY! My dad gave the cell phone back :)
aaaaand today no schoool....this day is going well
hmn I wonder what I should wear?
YAY! My dad gave the cell phone back :)
aaaaand today no schoool....this day is going well
hmn I wonder what I should wear?
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I have HOPE
Mar. 11th, 2007 | 03:16 am
location: MY BED
music: Love Cats by The Cure
WOW :) I met someone new today at PORKYS
it was awesome, I really enjoyed dancing with him
he was very cute and sweet the type og guy that I would see myself with
and its time i did move on with my love life......
anyway porkys was FUN, so many people went, Milton my papi chulo danced wiht me ahah we kept pulliing each others hair and I saw him macking out wiht some cute girl afterwards lol ;) arriva los putos!! aha we said that, then yara and jessica were there too, I saw this girl named Erika and even one of jonny's friends called edgar aha it was really fun ooh and jandro too! aha so many people, me and jonny had to control yvettes attitude like always but it didnt spoil the mood...........yep beutiful morning, damn im dreading the headache tommorow ahah La cruda wey! lol hmn yeah Carlos the guy i met, he gave me his bracelet and he goes to my college so I hope well see each other again, and its weird that I always bump into the guy i made out with on my Birthday lol he has a novia now so whatever aha Im really happy right now, like cant stop smiling :) and i owe it all to some random boy that made my night, and no I didnt make out wiht him or nothing slutty, I gave him a peck on the cheek and thats all
Seems like my day is going well mmmmmmm yep yep
then when i think about this other boy, I feel guilty. Idk why, I didnt do anything wrong, its his fault......I tought he was mad at me and so I didnt think I should of waited for him. WHATEVER. Life goes on and I moving on to the next chapter In my life.
Thank you GOD for giving me hope and thanks chrissy for being there and supporting me
ARRIVA LAS COMADRES aha ;)
it was awesome, I really enjoyed dancing with him
he was very cute and sweet the type og guy that I would see myself with
and its time i did move on with my love life......
anyway porkys was FUN, so many people went, Milton my papi chulo danced wiht me ahah we kept pulliing each others hair and I saw him macking out wiht some cute girl afterwards lol ;) arriva los putos!! aha we said that, then yara and jessica were there too, I saw this girl named Erika and even one of jonny's friends called edgar aha it was really fun ooh and jandro too! aha so many people, me and jonny had to control yvettes attitude like always but it didnt spoil the mood...........yep beutiful morning, damn im dreading the headache tommorow ahah La cruda wey! lol hmn yeah Carlos the guy i met, he gave me his bracelet and he goes to my college so I hope well see each other again, and its weird that I always bump into the guy i made out with on my Birthday lol he has a novia now so whatever aha Im really happy right now, like cant stop smiling :) and i owe it all to some random boy that made my night, and no I didnt make out wiht him or nothing slutty, I gave him a peck on the cheek and thats all
Seems like my day is going well mmmmmmm yep yep
then when i think about this other boy, I feel guilty. Idk why, I didnt do anything wrong, its his fault......I tought he was mad at me and so I didnt think I should of waited for him. WHATEVER. Life goes on and I moving on to the next chapter In my life.
Thank you GOD for giving me hope and thanks chrissy for being there and supporting me
ARRIVA LAS COMADRES aha ;)
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Tired are these eyes of the same rerun
Mar. 10th, 2007 | 01:30 pm
location: My room
mood: 
energetic
music: Just like heaven by The Cure
Yeah so yesterday was alright.......I didnt get to go to my friends show but thats alright I only regret not seeing my friend kick some bitch's ass lol that must of been some funny shit. Anyway I went to go see the movie 300, it was awesome. I liked it cuz yeah all the spartans were in underwear and they all had a good sculptured body woooo!! The sex scenes ruined it.
Anyway, porkys tonight? idk
seems more likely that I wont :(
I confused and scared of so many things
I dont wanna get hurt by no one
Im tired, very tired of this
My eyes seem so tired all the time
sometimes it's hard to keep them open and somtimes it's hard to keep the closed at night
I can't get a good night sleep anymore, seems everytime I do nightmares appear
some make sense amd some don't
fuck, I'M JUST SO TIRED OF LIVING LIKE THIS EVERYDAY
idk how longer i can keep this up, smiling to everyone that I'm fine and I'm perfect
but sometimes i just feel so shitty that my lungs want to explode and just cough my heart out
yes I feel like I'm going crazy, I'm tired of looking............
but anyway aha somehow today is different since my parents are gone i woke up in a good mood :)
talked to my best friend and she made me laugh, like I said she is my support
so I'M bored right now aha where are the papi chulos at?
Anyway, porkys tonight? idk
seems more likely that I wont :(
I confused and scared of so many things
I dont wanna get hurt by no one
Im tired, very tired of this
My eyes seem so tired all the time
sometimes it's hard to keep them open and somtimes it's hard to keep the closed at night
I can't get a good night sleep anymore, seems everytime I do nightmares appear
some make sense amd some don't
fuck, I'M JUST SO TIRED OF LIVING LIKE THIS EVERYDAY
idk how longer i can keep this up, smiling to everyone that I'm fine and I'm perfect
but sometimes i just feel so shitty that my lungs want to explode and just cough my heart out
yes I feel like I'm going crazy, I'm tired of looking............
but anyway aha somehow today is different since my parents are gone i woke up in a good mood :)
talked to my best friend and she made me laugh, like I said she is my support
so I'M bored right now aha where are the papi chulos at?
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Dancing wiht Myself....
Mar. 8th, 2007 | 10:01 pm
location: bed
mood: 
drunk
music: Dancing with myself by Billy Idol
So today all I did was lay in the couch and watch t.v ..........it made me feel miserable and I hate feeling depressed
then my mom opened a bottle of scotch and we all had a drink. It was was fun, I was happy for a while but then this sickenening feeling came back and I traveled back to the past. A past that hurts but yet somehow makes me smile, I just dont understand myself sometimes, its so hard for me to keep thinking of Adam when I know he's gone and over me. Yet I want him back no matter how much he hurt me because I know thats what my heart mostly desires, thats what would fill the void in me. WOW! Nobody knows about this except my Best friend and me......I just dont know why I'm not over Adam, I can almost say I REALLY did LOVE HIM :( its not something i can ever feel for anyone, like whenever im wiht a guy its just as friends. The guys I have dated dont really catch my attention much, but somehow I wish I did have a boyfriend. When I wake up in the morning its so hard to smile, like why bother getting up if theres no one out there for you, waiting to see you, someone who missed you. Seeing all this around me is not doing any good, its time I move on but idk how? Its funny how I tell this to my friends but I cant do the same. Im a joke to myself. Still i havent lost hope, I'm still waiting for my life to get better. I'm over the fact that my dad hates me and theres nothing that can change that, all I can do for now is wait till he realizes what hes doing to me, I try to avoid him but it never goes good.
tommorow no school :) thats a highlight
and hopefully i get to chill wiht my best friend, she can always make me laugh even if I'm having the shittiest day ever.
Hopefully tommorow goes well and I get to have a fun filling day.......
then my mom opened a bottle of scotch and we all had a drink. It was was fun, I was happy for a while but then this sickenening feeling came back and I traveled back to the past. A past that hurts but yet somehow makes me smile, I just dont understand myself sometimes, its so hard for me to keep thinking of Adam when I know he's gone and over me. Yet I want him back no matter how much he hurt me because I know thats what my heart mostly desires, thats what would fill the void in me. WOW! Nobody knows about this except my Best friend and me......I just dont know why I'm not over Adam, I can almost say I REALLY did LOVE HIM :( its not something i can ever feel for anyone, like whenever im wiht a guy its just as friends. The guys I have dated dont really catch my attention much, but somehow I wish I did have a boyfriend. When I wake up in the morning its so hard to smile, like why bother getting up if theres no one out there for you, waiting to see you, someone who missed you. Seeing all this around me is not doing any good, its time I move on but idk how? Its funny how I tell this to my friends but I cant do the same. Im a joke to myself. Still i havent lost hope, I'm still waiting for my life to get better. I'm over the fact that my dad hates me and theres nothing that can change that, all I can do for now is wait till he realizes what hes doing to me, I try to avoid him but it never goes good.
tommorow no school :) thats a highlight
and hopefully i get to chill wiht my best friend, she can always make me laugh even if I'm having the shittiest day ever.
Hopefully tommorow goes well and I get to have a fun filling day.......
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Useless
Mar. 7th, 2007 | 09:44 pm
location: My Room
mood: depressed
music: I will Follow you into the dark
Damn everytime i try to make something right I end up fucking it more. I hate being like this....now i feel all shitty cuz of some stupid misunderstanding that happened. I tried fixing it but it was useless, yeah i feel like cryiing and yelling till my lungs burst out.
Its useless......next time Ill just keep my mouth shut
it wasnt all bad today, we ditched our last class me and chrissy
I chilled with them for awhile, it was fun Alex and Ham are one of my friends that can really make me laugh
I wish someone would try to make me laugh right now
i miss them, i didnt see my dad much today either which was good
Im tired and sad.... think ill just go take a nap and call it a night or cry myself out, maybe that can make me fall asleep faster.
FUCKI! I just feel so gloomy and frustrated right now that idk what to do
actually i feel more guilty than sad now, maybe I was being alittle too mean
nah but thats the way I am, the way me and my best friend talk
sometimes I do feel useless, like I dont matter to anyone, i know it not true but its just comes to me.
On a lighter note I need a damn job! whoring doesnt help ;) jk
no porkys on friday either just saturday then laaameee
well idk what to do now...............so hmn maybe I'll just go stuff my face or cry in my sleep aha
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Sleepless Nights :(
Mar. 7th, 2007 | 12:11 am
location: In my room
music: Telescope Eyes by Eisley
Seems like everything in my life is going not good, ever since my dad lost his job hes been taking it out on me mostly. Sometimes i even feel like running away and just not giving a fuck. I cant take it, I feel like im not strong enough anymore. The words of my father are still stuck on me, he tells me so many things that a father should not tell his daughter.....lately his favorite word to call me is "piruja" which means whore in spanish. what a great thing to tell your only daughter dad :) wooohoo! seems like it all goes downhill from here, I keep getting bad feelings each day. I guess.... I am scared.
Right now my only support is my Best Friend Chrissy :)
and thats what keeps my smiling each day
hmn.....I hate getting this empty space in me
like if im missing something but idk what?
its weird, lately Im really pressured by so many things
mostly by guys asking me out but Im not ready for a relationship
I dont think so at least......sometimes i do get lonely and wish for a boyfriend but the one Im interested in is out of my reach.
I want what I cant have............................
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Want to be my friend?
Mar. 3rd, 2007 | 11:33 am
comment to add my livejournal.
-laura
-laura